Crime Does Potato
by Tommy Vercetti's Placenta
Summary: All hell breaks loose when Tommy Vercetti has one of his homicidal breaks again.
1. Chapter 1

Tommy Vercetti glowered upon the filthy, shit-throwing dump the local fucklings called Vice City. Watching all the hobos singing about demons and alien cowboys riding robot dragons filled him with so much fury, Tommy punched a hole in a passing police officer's head, ripped out his brain then shoved it up a singing hobo's dickhole while old ladies watched.

Overhearing Tommy's shitty rampage, CJ flew into Vice City on a Turismo which exploded tanks on contact, then fired lasers from its exhaust pipe at Tommy. He caught the laser then threw it back at the car of death, creating a Chinese contradiction which made the whole universe crash and reset. When Vice City rebooted, Claude was sitting on CJ's taint, eating dragon umbilical cord spaghetti from between Tommy's buttcheeks and singing forbidden songs which killed demons in abhorrent ways for no reason.

From the distant planet Filgaia came a demon named Blazer, who desperately offered Claude a lifetime supply of pot in exchange for his eternal silence so he may live on.

Claude accepted his deal.

His poor unfortunate soul never spoke again, but Blazer stayed true to his word, so Claude never went without weed for as long as he lived.


	2. Chapter 2

Tommy Vercetti was born not as an altricial simian shitcannon, but as a galaxy within which dwelled the fuck mafia. These aliens, who fight not with Rugers but with boners, have a pecking order based on the quantities of nipples possessed, as well as the number of uteri, indicated by Florida-shaped markings on the shoulder blades. Males of this species typically have more uteri but fewer nipples, resulting in wars between all-male and all-female families for superiority. It is for naught, as the chick gangs, with their massive hyena cocks, always win the jousting wars which ensue.

For years, Tommy's lie of a humanoid figure did well to contain this volatile world, but that all ended when he threw his head at a police car so he could bite the cop's penis off and spit it into the car's exhaust pipe, for shits and giggles. From the neckhole exploded 67.96 gangs of fuck mafia. The dude gangs all got their periods at once, flooding Vice City with alien mangina blood. Except for the pregnant ones; they fired out babies like gatling cannons, pelting innocent civilians with whiny, fucked-up things which looked like an eagle got fucked by a praying mantis and the offspring by a manatee. Though the adults look like purple and neon green striped humanoids with cockroach faces, different reproductive organs and tiny wings for no reason at all, the larval form of the fuck mafia cannot be grasped by the minds of Earth animals.

Watching the manginas of the dudegangs flow with blood gave all the chick gangs enormous boners, so massive they skewered Starfish Island and flung it into orbit. They then swung these hardons at one another, cockfencing to compete for the manginas. 14,478.3 civilians were caught in the crossfire and killed. The ambulances got stuffed up the dickhole of a particularly kinky fuck mafiosa named Frttyrty. She got a seven star wanted level for doing the same to all the cops trying to stop the fuck mafia wars and save what was left of Vice City.

The head of Tommy Vercetti, who was in a cop car inhaled by Frttyrty's smelly aliendick, was the only one with the power to stop the death of the entire world. It swam into Frttyrty's ovaries, then spit on the ova within, making them explode, which exploded Frttyrty and splattered the rest of the fuck mafiosa with her caustic insides, melting their skin off and killing them. But the fuck mafioso remained.

A fuck mafioso was using The Malibu as a dildo to ease his menstrual horniness. A security guard fell into one of his wombs then punched his internal testicles with brass knuckles, making him howl in nutstruck agony. The streaming made the blood flow from his mangina increase, firing The Malibu from his birth canal at such tremendous force, it flew to the planet Filgaia and leveled the town of Meria.

From that faraway planet flew an enraged, different breed of alien, one which even the fuck mafia feared. It was Ashley Winchester, with his planet's moons skewered upon his fists!

The defenseless Earthlings tried to calm Ashley by offering him The Malibu as a sacrifice, but Ashley didn't like it, so he roared, then punched Vice City into a puddle of pudding with the moons of his homeworld. He headbutted the pudding into an airplane to make it all jiggly then snorted it through his dickhole!

Out of Ashley's dong flew a survivor. It was Tommy Vercetti's body. It fired from the black hole where its head once was neutron stars, which left welts on Ashley because they were harder than his dick. Ashley stomped on Tommy's puny body then threw it into space. It flew into the sun then ate it, gaining its might and becoming the sole hope for the universe.

The sun-infused Tommy meatbag returned to Earth then burned all of Ashley's skin off with a fusion bitchslap. Ashley screeched as his freakishly alien flesh, belied by his human-looking exterior, spilled all over the Earth, poisoning all the fauna and flora it touched. Filgaians don't shit, so their bodies store highly concentrated wastes subcutaneously, making them poisonously inedible but also denser than water.

The filthy kaiju blue rendered the plot of land where Vice City once stood uninhabitable.

From the muck emerged the head and body of Tommy, who reunited at last, a manly deluge singing the shitty alien meat below their feet. This deluge was not of mourning, but that of homesickness. Tommy is from Filgaia.

Tommy flew back to his homeworld as the loss of a sun killed the rest of Earth's life.


	3. Chapter 3

Claude masticated his way up Tommy's shit butt then ate the fuck out of his smelly spandex prostate. Tommy's buttfur exploded, killing every demon and making all the rice in the universe wither to dust, caUsing the vampires to starve and all alcohol to be banned.

Tommy evicted Claude from his smelly prostate, shitting out his brain in the process. Claude was now made of really smelly leather and spandex.

Claude's brain also fell out of his butt.

The brains were made of spandex, and they stunk.

The stinky rubber brains fought with bondage equipment for 567.993 years. They were interupted by a call from RoboCop, who wasn't really RoboCop but Phil Cassidy after exploding a bag of boomshine in his sweaty smelly shitter while transporting the shit as a mule.

RoboCop was made of spandex and stunk.

The brains and RoboCop were both hurled into space by a spandex stench gang. the stars beyond stunk, the fabric of the universe brain matter and leather.


End file.
